Below are some strategies to help you manage your social anxiety:
Breathe
Social anxiety puts us subconsciously into a state of fear, but you can use your breath to signal to your nervous system that you are safe. You can use the 4-7-8 breathing technique (breath in for the count of four, hold for seven and breathe out for eight) to calm yourself before a social interaction, and when you are listening to another person quietly ensure your out-breath is longer than your in-breath.
Acknowledge
Knowing that you struggle in social situations is an uncomfortable feeling, but it’s not life-threatening and it will pass. Breathe into your discomfort and tell yourself it’s going to be OK. When you become used to tolerating the uncomfortable feeling they will sub-side and things will become easier.
Start with small experiments
As with any skill, overcoming social anxiety begins with experience and practice. The idea is to start with very low-risk situations and slowly build up your confidence for higher-risk situations. You can start with interacting with your family or close friends. Be proactive by greeting everyone with a “hi” or “hello” and a smile and noticing how that feels. Then start experimenting with strangers in low-risk situations. If you visit a coffee-shop, lunch place or the gym regularly, you will begin to see the same faces. Smile and say hello to people you start to recognise and again notice what happens.
Rehearse some conversation starters
There are a lot of universally acceptable conversation starters which can help to initiate contact with another person. In other words, start with some low risk “small talk”. For example: “How was your weekend?” “What’s been happening?”. Ask open-ended questions – these are the ones that don’t have a yes/no answer, which typically start with how, what and why. Think about the person you’re engaging with and the context of their life. You might ask them how their job is going, or something about what they have been doing.
Offer a genuine compliment
People respond well to positive feedback, so finding something that you genuinely like about the other person can really help to break the ice. For example, “I love your watch/necklace” may trigger your friend to tell you more about it, or describe how they got it, starting an easy, low risk conversation.
Focus on the other person
If you are feeling self-conscious it means you are focusing too much on yourself. Redirect your attention to the other person and become curious about them. This may help you to ask questions that are specific to them and make them feel good. When you meet someone new, focus on remembering their name and using it in your questions. This will help to make the other person more comfortable interacting with you. For example, “So Sally, how did you enjoy the movie?”. Focusing on the other person also requires sustained eye-contact, which will improve your connection with them, and help to build your social abilities.
Listen carefully
If you listen deeply and are engaged with what others are saying, they will enjoy talking to you and it will give you more information for follow-up questions. Pick up on those things that you have a genuine interest in and build the conversation from there. Listening carefully will also provide you with feedback. You’ll be able to pick up how they are responding to you and give you an opportunity to adjust. Disagreements are a very normal part of life, and if you disagree on something it’s not the end of the world, you can change the subject until you do find something in common.
Be kind to yourself
There will be slip-ups in social situations where what you say may not land the way you wanted it to. That’s OK. If you keep focusing on what others are saying, you can avoid over-thinking which makes anxiety worse. Every human being makes mistakes and people will forgive you for it, so it’s important to forgive yourself. When you are ready and have composed yourself with some deep breaths, start again. As they say, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”.