Good relationships between teenagers and their parents, as rated by both, are positively correlated with school success and general happiness as rated by the teen, and by those around them. By contrast, weak or conflictual parent/teen relationships are correlated with early sexual activity, experimentation with drugs and alcohol, the teen’s involvement in violence (as either perpetrator or victim). Below are twelve tips to help you along the way:
1. Remember you’re a parent, AND a friend.
Teens crave the security of knowing their parents understand them, appreciate them, and love them no matter what–so they do want the relationship to be a form of friendship. But they also need to feel like they have some independence, so sometimes you may feel a bit shut out. If you can navigate your closeness in an accepting way that doesn’t take advantage of your role as parent to tell your child what to do, they are more likely to open up and share with you.
Does a close friendship erode your teen’s respect for you? No. Don’t you respect your friends, and treasure those who are there for you emotionally? If you offer your teen respect, consideration, and authenticity, that’s what you’ll receive in return. As close as you want to be to your teen, sometimes you will have to pull rank and say No. If you’re doing it often, that’s a red flag that something is wrong. But sometimes your teen will be looking to you to set limits they can’t set for themselves. Sometimes you’ll need to stick by your values and say no, whether that’s to an unsupervised party or a very late bedtime. Sometimes your teen will be able to use your guidance to come up with a win-win solution that answers your concerns.
2. Establish dependable together time.
Be sure to check in every single day. A few minutes of conversation while you’re cleaning up after dinner or right before bedtime can keep you tuned in and establish open communication. Even teens who seem to have forgotten who their parents are the other 23 hours a day often respond well to a goodnight hug and check-in chat once they’re lounging in bed. In addition to these short daily check-ins, establish a regular weekly routine for doing something special with your teen, even if it’s just going out for ice cream or a walk together.
3. Parent actively and appropriately.
Don’t invite rebellion by refusing to acknowledge that your son or daughter is growing up and needs more freedom. Don’t be afraid to ask where your kids are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be doing. Get to know your kids’ friends and their parents so you’re familiar with their activities.
4. Try to be there after school.
The biggest danger zone for drug use and sex isn’t Saturday night; it’s between 3 and 6 PM on weekdays. Arrange flex time at work if you can. If your child will be with friends, make sure there’s adult supervision, not just an older sibling.
5. Keep your standards high.
Your teen wants to be his or her best self. Our job as parents is to support our teens in doing that. Don’t expect your child to achieve goals you decide for them; they need to begin charting their own goals now, with the support of a parent who adores them just as they are and believes that they can do anything they aim for. Support your teen’s passions and explorations as they find their unique voice.
6. Make it a high priority to eat meals together
Meals are a great opportunity to talk about the days’ events, to unwind, reinforce and bond. They’re also your best opportunity to keep in touch with your teen’s life and challenges, and to spot brewing problems. Finally, an important factor in kids’ happiness and overall success is whether they feel they get time to “just hang out and talk” with parents every day.
7. Encourage good self-care
This includes nine and half hours of sleep every teen needs, and a good diet. Coffee is a bad idea for early teens because it interferes with normal sleep patterns. Too much screen time, especially in the hour before bedtime, reduces melatonin production and makes it harder for kids to fall asleep at night.
8. Continue family meetings
Held regularly at a mutually agreed upon time, family meetings provide a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements, schedules, any topic of concern to a family member. Ground rules help. Everyone gets a chance to talk; one person talks at a time without interruption; everyone listens, and only positive, constructive feedback is allowed. To get resistant teens to join in, combine the get-together with incentives such as post-meeting pizza or ice cream.
9. Keep kids safe and connected to the family by keeping computers in your common space
It can be hard for parents to track what teens do online because they usually know more about the computer than we do. Research shows that they’ll be less tempted to spend time doing things you’d disapprove of if the computer is in a common space, where you can walk by and glance at what they are doing. Kids live online these days, but they can still stay connected to family if online is in the heart of your home.
10. Don’t push your teen into independence before they are ready.
Every teen has their own timetable for blossoming into an independent person. Real independence includes close relationships with others, and it never needs to include rebelliousness. It is NOT healthy for your child to feel that you’re pushing them into independence – that only leads them to becoming overly dependent on the peer group for validation. If they aren’t ready to go to sleep away camp for a month, then they are not ready. Sooner or later, they will be. Respect their timetable.