Grief is a process that people go through after the loss of someone, important to them. Grief is a normal reaction to these events and is not seen as a mental disorder. Most people manage to go through the grieving process with the help of family and friends. There isn’t a “right or wrong” way to grieve. It is determined by our cultural background, our relationship to the person we’ve lost, the social support available to us, as well as to our individual characteristics.
How can I help myself?
- ask for help, understanding and support from family, friends or a support group
- tell people what you find helpful and what not
- focus on the things you can control and avoid making major decisions
- if you are religious, talk to the appointed person in your church, mosque, temple
- take care of your health – try to eat, drink water and get some rest
- be patient with yourself
- try to do some gently exercise
- find ways to express emotions
Unhealthy signs of grief
In some circumstances a minority of people will become clinically depressed and unable to function. Intense and prolonged feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are signs of depression. Grief and major depression may co-exist side by side. Modern mental health professionals are not the first to recognise that there is difference between normal grief and clinical depression. If you think you may be depressed it is important to seek help from your doctor or a professional counsellor. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is essential to contact your doctor or your local mental health team.
How can I help a family member or a friend with their grief
While each individual deals with grief in a unique way, people will generally go through the stages of grief. However, it is important to remember that the process will be different for everyone and is never orderly. Grief may also return and be particularly painful around anniversaries, birthdays, and family celebrations, when the person’s absence is all the more obvious. The following suggestions may help you feel more confident about the support you offer:
Allow grief
It is never helpful to give the person a message that says “chin up”. According to research, unresolved grief can lead to outbursts of anger and rage, restlessness, depression, addiction, compulsion, anxiety and panic disorders. Physical symptoms can include worsening or developing diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, cancer, asthma, allergies, constipation, diarrhoea and ulcers.
Be supportive
Although you might not know how to be supportive, the important first step is to acknowledge the person’s loss. If you don’t have the words a hug can speak volumes. Accept the person’s grief and offer your supportive presence. Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased person and share any memories you may have of them.
Make allowances
Some people who are grieving may exhibit behaviours that affect their relationships and everyday activities, such as:
- isolating themselves but on the other hand not wanting to be alone
- resentment that others aren’t grieving
- being critical or irritable in ways that are out of character
It is important to understand and make allowances for these behaviours.
Approaches that often are unhelpful
- Avoiding the person
- Saying things like ‘it’s God’s will’, ‘it’s all for the best’, or if a baby has died, ‘you have other children’ or ‘you can always have another baby’. Comments like this discourage the grieving person from expressing their feelings.
- Forgetting them after the funeral. This is often the time when many supports start to drift away and the real sadness begins to set in.
- Expecting them ‘to get over it.’ Some losses we learn to live with but we don’t ‘get over.’