While
many of us might think of “grief” as being a response to losing someone we
love, grief is actually a much more complex phenomenon. Grappling with any
kind of loss can involve a grief process, even if that loss isn’t exactly
tangible. There’s a lot to be grieving right now with the recent COVID-19
outbreak.
There’s a collective loss of normalcy, and for many of us, we’ve lost a sense
of connection, routine and certainty about the future. Some of us have already
lost jobs and even loved ones. And most, if not all of us, have a lingering
sense that more loss is still to come. That sense of fearful anticipation is
called “anticipatory grief.”
A mourning process can occur even when we sense that a loss is going to happen,
but we don’t know exactly what it is yet. We know the world around us will
never be the same — but what exactly we’ve lost and will lose is still largely
unknown to us. This can be difficult to come to terms with. If you’re wondering
if you might be experiencing this kind of grief, here are some signs to look
for, as well as some coping skills you can tap into at this time:
You’re on edge – and its not always clear exactly why
Maybe you’re feeling a sense of dread, as though something bad is just around
the corner, but it’s unclear what it might be. (This is often described as
“waiting for the other shoe to drop.”)
Hypervigilance is also a really common way this shows up. You might be scanning
for possible “threats” — for example, reacting strongly whenever someone coughs
or sneezes nearby, becoming agitated with a stranger who isn’t properly social
distancing or panicking whenever the phone rings.
This can also manifest as persistent anxiety and overwhelm, like “freezing up”
when faced with decision making or planning or procrastinating more often to
avoid complex tasks. If you’re anticipating danger or doom, it makes sense that
staying emotionally regulated would be more challenging right now.
You feel angry at things you cant control
Finding yourself easily and persistently frustrated is a very common
manifestation of grief. For example, working from home might have previously felt
like a luxury, but maybe now it feels more like a punishment. Not getting your
preferred brand of boxed macaroni and cheese might not have felt like a big
deal before, but suddenly you’re irate at your local store for not having ample
stock.
If small obstacles suddenly feel intolerable, you’re not alone. These obstacles
often serve as unconscious reminders that things aren’t the same — triggering
grief and a sense of loss, even when we aren’t aware of it. If you find
yourself getting riled up more often, be gentle with yourself. This is a
completely normal reaction during a time of collective trauma.
You’re resigned to the worst case scenario
ne of the ways that people often cope with anticipatory grief is to try to
mentally and emotionally “prepare” for the worst case scenario. If we pretend
that it’s inevitable, we can trick ourselves into thinking it won’t feel so
shocking or painful when it does come to that.
However, this is a bit of a trap. Ruminating about morbid scenarios,
feeling hopeless as things unfold, or anxiously spinning out about everything
that could go wrong won’t actually keep you safe — instead, it
will just keep you emotionally activated.
In fact, chronic stress can impact your immune system in negative ways,
which is why it’s so important to practice self-care during this time.
Preparedness is important, but if you find yourself fixated on the most
apocalyptic and disastrous possibilities, you may be doing more harm than good.
Balance is key.
You find yourself withdrawing or avoidant of others
When we feel overwhelmed, fearful and triggered it makes a lot of sense that we
might withdraw from others. If we can barely keep ourselves afloat, avoiding
other people can feel like we’re protecting ourselves from their stress
and anxiety. This can backfire, though. Isolation can actually increase
feelings of depression and anxiety.
Instead, we need to stay connected to others — and we can do that by keeping
firm boundaries about what kinds of support we can offer.
Some examples of boundaries you could set right now:
- I’ve been having a really hard time with this COVID-19 stuff. Can we keep the conversation light today?
- I don’t think I can talk about this right now. Is there something we can do to distract ourselves right now?
- I’m struggling at the moment and not able to support you in that way right now. I’m happy to (play a game/send a care package/check in by text later on) instead if that would be helpful.
- I don’t have a lot of capacity to support you right now, but I’ll email you some links later on that I think could be useful if you’d like that.
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with setting whatever
boundaries you need to take care of yourself!
You’re completely exhausted
A lot of what we’re talking about with anticipatory grief is really just our
body’s trauma response: namely, being in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. When
we feel threatened, our bodies react by flooding us with stress hormones and
amping us up, just in case we need to react quickly to a threat.
One of the side effects of this, though, is that we end up feeling worn down.
Being so activated on a daily basis can really tire us out, making exhaustion a
pretty universal grief experience. This is particularly difficult at a time
when so many people are talking about how productive they’ve been while
self-isolating.
However, you’re far from alone in your pandemic-induced exhaustion. And if all
you can do right now is keep yourself safe? That’s more than good enough.
If you’re feeling anticipatory grief what can you do to cope?
If you’re not sure how to navigate this form of grief, there are a few things
you can do:
Validate and affirm your feelings. There’s no reason to feel
ashamed or critical of the emotions you’re having. Everyone will experience
grief differently, and none of the feelings you’re having are unreasonable
during such a difficult time. Be kind to yourself.
Bring it back to basics. It’s especially important to stay fed,
hydrated and rested at this time.
Connect with others, even when you don’t want to. It can be
tempting to shut everyone out when you’re overwhelmed and activated. Please
resist the urge! Human connection is a critical part of our well-being,
especially now.
Prioritize rest and relaxation. Yes, it sounds absurd to tell
people to relax during a pandemic. However, when our anxiety is so activated,
it’s critical to try to deescalate our bodies and brains.
Express yourself. Creative outlets are especially helpful right
now. Try journaling, dancing, collaging — whatever helps you to process what’s
happening for you emotionally.
Talk to a professional. Phone & Online Counselling is available
by EAP Assist. Talking with a counsellor maybe an important resource for moving
through grief and anxiety at this time.
Remember your not alone
In fact, you’re far from it. So many of us are experiencing a grief process
around this time of rapid change and collective fearfulness. You are worthy of
support, and the struggles you’re having are completely understandable,
especially given everything that’s shifting around us. Be gentle with yourself
— and if you need more support, don’t hesitate to reach out. We may be
self-isolating and even lonely in the weeks to come, but none of us have to be
alone right now.