Whether we find them enjoyable or not, emotions exist to tell us important information about the world. However, what happens when the emotions we experience are overwhelming? When we can’t tolerate the intensity of an emotional experience, it causes distress and emotional pain. When this happens too much, we experience a state called emotional dysregulation.
Emotional dysregulation occurs when individuals struggle to control their emotional responses, to keep them within a comfortable range of intensities. It involves feeling intense emotions such as anger, sadness or overwhelm, and finding it incredibly difficult to return to a state of emotional equilibrium.
Individuals who are frequently dysregulated often experience mood swings, outbursts of anger, low moods, and anxiety. Because this feels overwhelming, they can resort to self-destructive behaviours as coping mechanisms such as substance misuse, self-harm, binge eating, restrictive eating, isolating themselves, escapism, excessive rumination or reckless behaviour. All these behaviours are ways to avoid feeling the full intensity of our emotions.
A helpful framework for understanding emotional dysregulation is “distress tolerance”. As suggested by the name, distress tolerance refers to the ability to cope with distressing or uncomfortable emotions, situations, or experiences, without resorting to harmful behaviours. This involves accepting and tolerating distress, rather than trying to avoid or suppress it.
The Importance of Self-Soothing
One key distress tolerance skill is self-soothing. Self-soothing techniques, akin to grounding techniques, improve our capacity to handle intense feelings by teaching ourselves how to soothe our emotional state when feeling distressed. While some individuals naturally develop regulation strategies in childhood through caregivers who are themselves well-regulated and attuned to the child’s emotional needs, this is unfortunately not everyone’s experience. Some may struggle to develop this skill due to early environmental factors, caregiver relationships or temperament.
However, the good news is it’s never too late to learn healthy self-soothing and emotional regulation techniques. Regulating difficult emotions is a multi-stage process. By redirecting attention from the mind to the body, individuals can diminish the intensity of their thoughts and emotions, fostering a sense of calm and stability. When you’re amid an intense emotional experience, however, self-soothe techniques can help get you through.
Practical Techniques for Self-Soothing
Self-soothing is about using the senses to ground ourselves, to help settle our bodies and our minds. Many of the following suggestions may seem simplistic, especially when compared to the intensity of the emotions they are often recommended for. However, self-soothing is about connecting to and soothing a core, vulnerable part of ourselves. In this way, the simpler the activity, the more effective it often is. Practical techniques for self-soothing involve engaging the senses to ground oneself in the present moment include:
Sight
Think about what sorts of visual images you find relaxing. Take a walk in nature or engage with visually stimulating materials like coffee table books or artwork. Pull up a video on YouTube of waves on a beach, raindrops running down a window or a tropical fish tank.
Sound
Think about what sorts of sounds and music you find relaxing. Pay attention to environmental sounds, letting them wash over you without trying to label them. Create a playlist of songs that you find instantly calming. Consider relaxing ‘soundscapes’, or natural sounds, like nighttime crickets by a stream or the crackle of a bonfire.
Smell
Think about what scents you find soothing. This might be a candle in a favourite scent, or a diffuser and essential oils blend. Or it might be making a cup of coffee and breathing in the smell while it cools.
Taste
Think about what flavours you might find relaxing. Practice mindful eating, savouring each bite, or enjoy a small indulgence like honey. Make a herbal tea and savour the taste. Note that taste has a caveat in that some people struggle with unhelpful urges and behaviours related to food. If this is something you struggle with, opt for a different sense to practice self-soothe with.
Touch
Think about what tactile sensations you find soothing. Think about washing your hands in warm water or having a hot shower or bath. Put on some comfy clothes and, weather permitting, wrap yourself in a warm fluffy blanket. Change the sheets on your bed or stroke a pet or soft toy.
Movement
Not usually counted amongst our senses, deliberate movement can be incredibly soothing. Think tai chi, bouncing a ball, gently tapping a foot, going for a walk, squeezing a stress ball or stretching blue tac, or sitting in a rocking chair or swing.
A few last tips:
You can combine multiple senses together to get a cumulative effect. Listening to music whilst in a bath with an aromatherapy body wash covers many senses, for example. A bit of preparation goes a long way. Consider which items might be good to have on hand for when you next feel distressed, and stock up in advance. Most people are more sensitive to one or two senses over others. Work out which senses you find your respond most to and focus on those. Mastering the art of self-soothing is a transformative journey that empowers individuals to manage their emotions more effectively.