1 They Isolate You
Abusive partners will sometimes try to limit your time with your friends or family or even turn you against these people so they have total control over you.
2 They’re Jealous
Abusive people are often possessive, so they’ll act jealous even when you’ve given them no reason to be. Their jealousy may be directed toward imagined romantic partners as well as friends they claim are hijacking your time.
3 They’re Concerned about your Relationships
Sometimes, in an effort to isolate you and to look like they’re the good guy, abusive partners will express concern about the way other people in your life are treating you and whether they’re a good influence on you. They may be especially likely to do this to people who have caught into the abuse. These controlling behaviors can be perceived as love or concern as they often accuse others of not caring about you as much as they do or not having your best interest. Be careful not to confuse control with concern.
4 You end up Apologizing when you’ve done Nothing Wrong
Emotionally abusive people will twist your complaints about them into accusations against you. If it feels like you always end up apologizing in the process of seeking an apology, they could be manipulating you.
5 They Blame you for their Behavior
Abusive people will convince you their abuse was justified by arguing that you did something to deserve it. Abusive partners are master manipulators and often craft seemingly logical reasons why you (or someone else) are to blame for their angry, cruel, or demeaning behavior or will simply dismiss the facts of a situation altogether. A partner who does not fully take responsibility for their bad behavior is not someone who will build a healthy relationship with you.”
6 They Snoop on your Devices
In an attempt to gain control over your life, abusive partners may read your texts, log on to your email or social media accounts, or even suggest sharing accounts with you.
7 They Tell you What to Do
Telling you where to go, what to eat, who to hang out with, or what to do with your life in any regard is an abusive behavior.
8 They Criticize You
It’s one thing for your partner to tell you that something you did bugged them, but it’s another for them to attack your character, personality, or appearance.
9 They Threaten Violence
Don’t take phrases like “I want to kill you” as mere figures of speech. Even if they don’t lead to actual violence, the mere threat can leave you feeling unsafe. Threats of physical violence without ever actually hurting you is still abuse. Intimidation is often a cornerstone of emotional abusive relationships.
10 You’re Scared to Speak Around Them
Intimate partner violence victims are often afraid to open their mouths around their partners because they don’t know what will set them off. We all deserve relationships where we feel safe to speak our minds, confident that even if what we have to say upsets our partners, they won’t hurt us. Ask “Do they make you feel safe or do you feel like you are walking on egg shells? Do you work hard to avoid upsetting them or fear their temper? Do you censor yourself or feel afraid to share your true opinion when they are around?”
If any of these red flags occur in your relationship, slow things down and seek the support and opinion of a trusted friend or family member. Sometimes being in a situation can make it difficult to sort out what’s really a red flag or not. Don’t ignore your gut feelings, and if you really aren’t sure, check in with a friend. A good, honest friend or family member will tell you if they see signs for concern. Nearly half of women and half of men have been in a psychologically abusive relationship, and many don’t realize they’re in one at first. Abusers often come off like good partners initially, and abuse isn’t always obvious. Many people stay with their abusers for years before seeing the relationship for what it is. But knowing what signs to look our for could help you spot the issue sooner.
Things rarely start out abusive in a relationship. Rather, there are minor red flags along the way that, if ignored, can snowball into a harmful cycle of abuse. These red flags can be precursors to physical, psychological, or sexual abuse, which often go together. Victims of intimate partner violence also may not recognize the abuse because the abuser brainwashes them to think there’s nothing wrong — or that the issue is really with the victim. Making someone doubt their perceptions is known as gaslighting, and this tactic leads many to stay in abusive relationships and even defend their abusers despite their friends’ and families’ warnings. You feel like you can’t trust your judgement about what’s happening. And then you start to doubt your worthiness of a healthy relationship.”
Here are some signs to look out for to avoid getting trapped in an abusive relationship:
Violation of Boundaries
Boundaries are an important attribute of a healthy relationship—they not only keep us sane when we’re living in close quarters with a significant other, but they provide an outlet for each person in the relationship to maintain his or her individuality. Boundaries are natural and necessary demarcations of a person’s comfort zone. When your spouse ignores your boundaries—i.e. barging into your home office while you’re answering emails or opening the door to the bathroom without knocking—it indicates that your needs and preferences are not as important as his, which again undermines your self-worth.”
Controlling behavior
Control can infiltrate itself into every facet of your relationship—financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. While each area of control may look different, the constant assertion of control is a sign that your partner doesn’t respect your ability to handle anything. Financial control may look like a partner restricting access to your money or credit cards, attempting to control what you spend your money on, or preventing a partner from getting or keeping a job. Physical control could be a partner limiting your access to a car, telling you where you can and can’t go or checking the GPS on your phone or your car to see where you have been.”
Physical aggression
This doesn’t have to be physical touch or action—it can also be aggressive behaviors using looks, gestures, or words. It may also look like throwing or smashing things, punching walls, or destroying property. Sometimes the aggressor might brush off violent behavior as ‘play fighting,’ but the behavior is meant to show that he/she has power and strength over the other person. Another major sign that tends to fall on the early spectrum of abuse is forceful sex. “Forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to or expecting sex after your partner has spent money on you is not normal,” she adds. “Neither is manipulating you into having sex with guilt trips, threats, or threatening to break up.”
Keeping secrets
While some things are personal and don’t need to be shared even with your significant other, lying or withholding important information from your partner spells doom for the relationship. It damages the relationship’s safety and security system. He does note that partners who agree to keep certain things a secret, whether that’s conversations they have in the workplace or what they do on the weekends when one partner is out of town, is different. If one partner wants transparency and the other doesn’t, however, it’s time for a serious sit-down to discuss this principle.
Ignoring you in a time of need
One popular form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships is when one partner ignores the other or gives them the silent treatment when that partner is in need. In addition, a relationship is abusive when you are in pain or need your partner and they act apathetic and ignore your requests as if they don’t matter. Bottom line: If your partner acts as though your feelings and thoughts are not important or are never justified no matter the issue, it may be a sign of abuse.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a major form of emotional abuse and is a term that’s used to describe when one partner brainwashes the other to question their own sanity or the reality of the world around them. It’s a particularly heinous tactic to misdirect, lie, and deny a truth to another person by making them doubt their perceptions, memory, and sanity. If your partner uses gaslighting to escape from being found out, that should be a deal breaker.
Unpredictable mood swings or angry blow ups
While it’s normal for couples to fight—and not abnormal if one partner gets more worked up over the argument than the other—aggressive explosions are not. Sometimes abusive partners try to dismiss these blow ups as being ‘passionate,’ but it could be an early warning sign. Without reason, the partner becomes withdrawn, sad or angry and blames the other partner for their negative emotion. If these intense rages are coupled with name-calling or other abusive language, there’s even more cause for concern, she says.
Excessive worry
Presumably, your partner cares a great deal about you, so, of course, he or she is going to be concerned for your health and safety. But if this worrying becomes a constant, and your partner is getting so carried away with their “concern” that he or she freaks out if you don’t text them back immediately or let you know when you’ll be home when the clock strikes 6 p.m., this may be a sign of early abuse. Your sense of freedom and power over your own choices is slowly diminished, as you begin to accommodate his needs to keep tabs on you.
Not saying sorry
If every single time you have an argument, your partner refuses to apologize or thinks he or she is in the right, don’t immediately consider yourself always wrong. In fact, this type of behavior is borderline abusive, experts say. It is very one-sided, and it won’t change because the abusive partner refuses to grow or be introspective about what he or she can work on. You are always wrong and they are right, whether you agree with it or not, regardless of whether the facts support it.