Self-esteem is essentially how you think and feel about yourself at the conscious and unconscious levels. Learning the signs of low self-esteem and how to take action can help improve the way you view yourself and the world. When your self-esteem is high, you may feel confident and ready to take on the world. But continued low self-esteem can affect your relationships, sense of self-worth, how you express yourself and how you navigate life. Low self-esteem typically reflects those hidden thoughts and beliefs you might have about yourself. You can have low self-confidence for many reasons, like:
- expectations from parents and caregivers as a child
- peer pressure from friends or loved ones
- relationships, including breakups or divorce
- trauma
- loneliness
- internalized shame
- certain mental health conditions
- brain functioning and development
- other societal and cultural messages
We tend to hold on to negative experiences, memories, thoughts, and words that people say. Those messages become embedded into our thinking patterns and create a filter of how we see everything. Our perceptions eventually create our reality.
Many people might feel self-conscious or have bouts of low self-confidence now and then, but having a low self-esteem is not a natural state of being. If those negative feelings last for an extended period of time, you may need to work on boosting your self-esteem.
Examples of low self-esteem
You’re a people-pleaser
You may try to please people instead of being your authentic self and pursuing what brings you joy and pleasure. Individuals with low self-esteem also have a tendency to be passive or passive-aggressive instead of standing up for themselves.
You feel needy or unworthy
Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve love, praise or a raise at work. This is directly related to how much you value yourself and your abilities. A lack of inner worth is driven by a set of beliefs that they’re no good, feeling of insignificance or believe they have nothing of value. Since most people with low self-esteem seek things (careers, relationships, success, power, etc.) outside of themselves to make them feel more worthy, it’s important to remember that self-esteem is an inside job.
You struggle to build healthy relationships
The stronger your self-worth, the healthier your relationships tend to be. If you struggle with low self-esteem, it can threaten your overall relationships. You might face challenges with intimacy, trusting partners and establishing strong personal boundaries and more like to stay in an abusive relationship.
You have a poor self-image
Do you call yourself “fat” or “ugly” and judge how you look when standing in front of a mirror? If so, it’s likely you think poorly of yourself and your appearance due to negative self-image. Rejecting compliments is another example of negative self-esteem. You could just be humble, but frequently rejecting forms of flattery instead of saying “thank you” can mean you don’t believe those things are true.
You experience negative self-talk
“I’m a loser.” “I don’t deserve to be happy.” “Why did I say that? I’m so stupid.” Thy are all common examples of negative self-talk that can result from low confidence. If you regularly insult yourself — either internally or in conversation with others — you likely havelow self-esteem. Being unforgiving or harsh on yourself when making mistakes can be a sign, too.
You compare yourself to others
We all tend to play the comparison game. Comparing yourself to others can help you achieve your goals or inspire you to become better in the workplace. But if this becomes a frequent habit and starts to negatively impact your mental health, it may be a sign that you need to work on your confidence.
You experience self-doubt
Second-guessing ourselves is natural, but if you’re often untrusting of your own judgment or constantly seeking the opinions of others, this may be related to your self-esteem.
You avoid self-expression
Maybe you avoid expressing yourself out of shame, embarrassment or fears of judgment. This habit of “playing small” could also be due to a lack of confidence. When someone is not self-expressed, they always feel they don’t fit in and find themselves conforming. Essentially, you hide yourself or blend in with others as a coping mechanism for feeling insecure.
How to cultivate confidence
If you resonate with any of those low self-esteem examples, there’s no need to stress. There are plenty of ways to boost self-esteem and become more confident.
Identify (and heal) the root cause
Low self-esteem has deep roots, which require a commitment to becoming self-aware. Get real with yourself to learn what’s making you feel less confident and change those thought patterns. It’s important to explore cognitions and the messages learned that initially created the negative core beliefs. Understanding how low self-esteem evolves as a result of past internalized messages and cognitive processing can help create new ways of perceiving the world.
Set small goals
People with low self-esteem often feel like failures and develop learned helplessness. Creating small, achievable goals can help build competence and consequently confidence. A great first goal is to notice when you witness examples of poor self-esteem showing up in your life. For example, maybe you’ll try to stop making self-deprecating jokes in front of others or compliment yourself the next time you look in the mirror. These little goals will eventually add up to create bigger change.
Be kind to yourself
Low self-esteem can cause us to be unfairly hard on ourselves. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you unlearn harmful messages and conditioning. It’s not about pushing yourself harder or beating yourself up. It just doesn’t go away with positive thinking and pretending you feel better about yourself than you really do. Instead of brushing it off or shaming yourself for your experience, try to accept yourself and work toward positive change.
Practice self-love
Self-love is the foundation of self-esteem, when you don’t love yourself, you’ll likely have low self-esteem. It’s a good idea to pursue healthy habits, like eating nutritious meals, moving your body, sleeping well and taking care of your mental health. This could also mean learning more about yourself, including what you enjoy, and accepting your flaws and imperfections. Forcing yourself to focus on the bright side of things during challenges can be a form of toxic positivity. But positive thinking can help you adjust your way of thinking, too. Consider all your great personality traits and the ways in which you thrive rather than dwelling on your faults or undesirable traits.