| Two key steps to develop assertiveness are:
Step 1: Identifying your trouble spots
To start, ask yourself the following questions to identify what area(s) to work on:
- Do I struggle to ask for what I want?
- Is it hard to state my opinion?
- Do I have trouble saying no?
Tips for communicating assertively:
Many people find it hard to ask for what they want, feeling that they don’t have the right to ask, or fearing the consequences of the request. For example, you may think, “What if he says no?” or “She would think I am rude for asking”. When making a request, it can be helpful to start by saying something that shows you understand the other person’s situation. For example, “I know you probably have had a lot on your mind lately. ”Next describe the situation and how you feel about it. For example, “This presentation is due next Friday and I am feeling pretty overwhelmed, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to get it done in time. Then, describe what you would like to see happen. Be as brief and positive as possible. For example, “I’d really like to figure out how we can share more of the work responsibilities.” Last, tell the person what would happen if your request was honoured. How would you feel?
Being assertive means that you “own” your opinion; that is, you take responsibility for your view. Being assertive also means being willing to consider new information and even changing your mind. However, it does not mean changing your mind just because others think differently.
Tips for Saying “No”
Saying “No” can be difficult if you are usually more passive. However, if you are not able to say no to others, you are not in charge of your own life. When saying “No”, remember to use assertive body language (e.g. standing straight, eye contact, speaking loudly enough that the other person can hear). Before you speak, decide what your position is. For example, think about how you will say “No” to a request, such as, “I would like to help you out but I already have quite a bit of work to get done this week.” Make sure to wait for the question, and don’t say “Yes” before the other person even makes the request. Take care not to apologise, defend yourself or make excuses for saying “No” when it is not necessary.
Step 2: Practice your new assertiveness skill
First, think of a couple of past scenarios when you avoided giving your opinion or preference, saying “No”, or asking for what you wanted. How could you have handled the situation differently? What would be an assertive way to communicate in those situations? Practice saying your assertive statement out loud to yourself, to get used to it. For example, “Actually, I thought the movie dragged on a bit”, “Unfortunately, I can’t help you out next weekend”. Next, think of a situation that is coming up in the next week in which you could use your assertiveness skills. Begin with a scenario that is easier, for example, giving your opinion or saying “No” to more familiar people, and then try it in more difficult situations.
Assertiveness is like any new skill and requires time and practice. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you are feeling nervous, or not getting it quite right. Sometimes people who are not used to us being assertive may need some time to adjust. Just because people may not initially respond in a positive way, doesn’t mean that being assertive is wrong – they just need to adjust to the change.
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